Really, the summer wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. English Comp II (online) was bearable, and I somehow managed to squeak by with a low A, despite my minimal efforts.

Back to Panera. If you've ever had a conversation with me about Panera, you know what I'm going to say.

Why. Does. Wearing. A. Uniform. Change. The. Way. People. Treat. You (Me)?

When a customer enters the store, she is immediately greeted (per-Panera-protocol) with a loud "hello!" As Customer waits in line or in front of the bakery display, one or two (nay, sometimes three!) P. associates stand at attention, ready to fly into action as the order leaves Customer's mouth. Per-Panera-protocol, the utmost speed and cleanliness is utilized by Associate while Customer "experiences" the "Paneradise."* Latex-free gloves, thin baker's paper, and constant usage of Germ-x ensure Customer the cleanest "experience" possible in the Mid-Western restaurant industry. While Customer angrily mumbles something about the over-priced salads or over-stuffed menu, Associate subtly yet intentionally turns the conversation into a light-hearted commentary on the difference between a scone and a biscuit ** After several minutes of ponderation, Customer relates her order to Associate, offering information in the wrong sequence entirely. Patiently, Associate massages the correct bits of information in the correct sequence, smiling softly as Associate mutters, "I don't know what side I want, d@!# it! Gimme a second, ok?!" When all information has been entered into the register, Line Associate approaches. Quietly, she whispers to (Register) Associate, "We're out of pineapple bits for the Strawberry Poppyseed and Chicken salad."

Quickly, Register Associate glances at Line Associate. Danger is on the horizon, but Register Associate has tread this ground before. She should be able to avert the crisis...

"[Customer]," Associate begins, "We are unfortunately out of the pineapple bits that come on the salad you ordered. Instead I can offer --"

"What."

"Um, we're out of the pineapple bit--"

"I heard you the first time. So--SIGH-- what does that mean?"

"Well, I can offer you an extra helping of strawberries instead, or--"

"I don't want extra strawberries. I want the pineapple bits. That's why I ordered the d%&$ salad in the first place."

"You see, we get a delivery truck tonight, but until then we'll have to make--"

"I don't really care, ok?! Just give me the strawberries."

(Associate brightens. Crisis averted!)

"Great. Extra strawberries at no extra charge! Now then, I believe I have everything in order. Your total is $12.94."

"WHAT!?!?!?! $12.94?!?! How is that possible??!?!"

(Associate swallows the acrid taste in her mouth, forces a smile, and replies)

"If you'll take a look at the menu, you'll see that the S.P & C salad is, in fact, a 'Premium Signature Item,' due to its unique seasonality and special chicken upcharge. It's $1.45 extra."

(Customer slams her purse on the counter and glares at Associate.)

"This is absolutely ridiculous. All I want is the salad my friend told me about. Said it was something special. Said Panera was something special. Said it was a great place to eat. Well missy, I'm starting to think that--"

(Associate panics. This is getting ugly fast.)

"I'm so sorry. There's nothing I can do about the fruit. But perhaps I could offer you--"

"Don't interrupt me. And you know what?! I don't like your attitude. I want would like to talk to you manager right now!!!!"

(Customer angrily relates false details to Manager. Manager listens, knowing full well that Customer is insane. Customer receives a free salad and cookie. Crisis averted? Perhaps... except that Associate has lost part of her soul.)

Ok ok... every day isn't that bad. That only happened a few times. Still, the question remains: how does a uniformed worker differ from a fellow citizen? If I accidentally bumped into the same lady (Customer) at the grocery store on the fruit isle, and said, "heads up, they're out of pineapple bits," she'd probably give me a sad smile and we'd commiserate about our empty fruit salads. Or something. Point being, the lady would probably be nice to me because I am wearing a tank top rather than a burgundy polo. I don't understand.

Anyway, the Pantera saga part IV has come to an end. Part V begins in the next week or two.

P.S. I hope this won't discourage anyone from eating at Panera. It's pretty good. The asiago bagels are great... and... er ... yeah...

*if interested in further Panera jargon, consult the "Breaducation" leaflet that I am currently writing.

** there's hardly any difference.