By the time I first got a cell phone, I was 17. It was a pretty lame flip phone, and I didn't have any text messaging capabilities. After a year or so, I was allowed 500/month, which was eventually upgraded to 1500/month after many tears and lamentations. Any number of texts over that number cost 10 cents each, and my parents made me pay them for every single extra message (incoming AND outgoing- so unfair!). Now we have a family plan with unlimited texts, but no fancy-shmancy data plan or anything like that. All this to say, I've never been addicted to texting or attached to my phone. In fact, I really kind of hate texting. It is one of the many contributors to my failed attempts at witty conversation. The following is a list of all the ways that texting--and just technology in general-- has made me a real social retard.
1. Misunderstood Memes. For me, a real self-appraised Connoisseur of Analytical huMan PsychologY (C.A.M.P.Y.), a text message that reads "ya," "maybe idk wut im doing tonite," "mhm," or "haha" can send me into an absolute frenzy. Does the lack of punctuation insinuate anger and/or annoyance? Does the tepid "haha" sans emoticon actually imply the opposite of amusement? Did you spell the words incorrectly because you're lazy or bored or embarrassed that you didn't pass 2nd grade? And then, don't even get me started on my array of awkward text responses. 98% of the time my texts are meant to be funny, but I'm afraid that I may have overdone it when I quip, "Hey roly poly, if you're not home in 5 minutes I will chop you up and cook you in a stew" or "I had a dream last night that you gave me a hot dog that made me puke and I've been upset all day." ... "hehe," right?
2. Lolcat Lingo. I am ashamed to admit that I still, without thinking, exclaim "LOLZ!" to many, many things. Yes, out loud. Yes, with a z. It's so ingrained in my middle-school mind. It's faster to type "obvs," "totes," "perf," "idk," & "k," so why not speak that way too (hey look, I just saved 0.0000000000983 seconds!)?!
3. Festering Fakeness. Finally, after centuries of causing awkwardness, there's a way for passive-agressivity to become socially-acceptable? Enter Xanga. Oh yes, in high school I was an avid xanga-er, rapidly maturing two-fold by both posting weekly (daily) posts about my awesome, interesting, eclectic, inspiring, pedal-to-the-medal, tantalizing, adventurous (lame) lifestyle AND leaving sweet-faced comments like "OMG this post is the besssssst! I <3 you!" to girls that I truly hated. It's only gotten worse. Now, with my swanky Facebook timeline profile, I can include/exclude any "awesome, interesting, eclectic, etc" info about myself and people believe it. I can delete unflattering pictures, "like" things that I may or may not care about, and post really deep, spiritual links from unknown hipster Christian blogs or high-brow Wall Street Journal articles, implying that my own intelligence/spirituality is equally as deep.
Since we spend countless hours perusing and stalking people on Facebook, you want to tell me that that attitude doesn't seep into everyday interactions? Holla at me, girlfriend.
4. Failed Flirtaciousness. This needs little explanation, as the aforementioned points clearly indicate that my social encounters are quite awkwardly and sometimes negatively affected by my ravenous use of technology. You might say, "Well if your witty responses are so misunderstood via text, shouldn't you be a pro at face-to-face banter?" Oh, thank you for your faith in my seasoned, interactive skillz. Alas, quite the opposite. The tendency to over-analyze technological interactions has most certainly stained my in-person interactions. Try to picture the following scenario:
A young girl, early to mid-twenties, sits at her workplace desk, wilting under the florescent lights but secretly cheering her co-workers with her mindless humming and floral-patterned sun dress. Enter a young man, early to mid-god-lik--twenties, perfectly proportioned and amiably attired. Both countenances brighten at the sight of the other. They begin to converse.
Boy: "Can you make me a color copy of something?"
Girl: "Of course! I just want to let you know, however, that color copies are very expensive-- $1 per page." Her face falls.
The boy beams, revealing a set of naturally white teeth. "That's alright! This is an important document, so I'll pay whatever."
The girl begins the color copying process, which embarrassingly takes much longer than any color copy should take. She apologizes profusely. "I hope you're not in any hurry... the printer is still warming up."
"Just take your time," he says kindly.
The girl continues working on the color copy job. After a few minutes of silence, she decides to strike up a conversation.
Girl: "So what are your summer plans?"
Boy: "I'm interning in Tulsa this summer with an oil company."
Girl: "Cool! You'll really love it there. I grew up in Tulsa--it's a great place to spend your summer."
The two begin chatting about the lovely city, eagerly responding to the others' comments. The excitement is growing. After a solid 5 minutes, the boy nonchalantly muses, "So, maybe I'll see you in Tulsa this summer."
Suddenly, the most incredible phenomenon occurs. Up to this point, the birds have been tweeting and Aphrodite has stuffing her face with Russell Stovers.
In the flash of an eye, everything changes. The spirit of an orangutan inhabits the girl's voice box, and she blurts, "Yeah, maybe, but NOT BECAUSE I'M GOING BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL. I'M IN COLLEGE. HAHAHAHAHAH."
...In the corner, a small gnome cuts the thick air with a Cutco knife and chuckles to himself. He's the only one laughing, though. The boy and girl stare at each other, the boy pays for his color copy, the girl mumbles something incoherently, and the boy exits the office.
If you're wondering about the factual to facsimile ratio of that scenario, holla at me. I'll probably ignore you.
5. Un-diagnosed but Utterly Apparent A.D.D. When I'm surfin' the Web I usually have 5 or 6 tabs open at once. If I'm bored with Facebook after 25 seconds, I switch to Twitter, browse 50-60 tweets, yawn, check various news sites, click back to Facebook, randomly choose someone's profile and click through 400-500 pictures, WebMD the twinge I have under my right eye, open Amazon and add 5 things to my wish list, tweet about it, yawn... etc. You understand because I bet your Internet browsing looks very similar. Needless to say, my attention span has decreased ten fold since I got out of elementary school. Seriously kids. Even in high school I could sit and read for 8 hours, only breaking for the bathroom and a Quik Trip run. Now it's all I can do to stay on the same Internet tab for more than 15 minutes. That's just my personal time; socially, our generation's general diagnosis with social A.D.D. is infuriating (kind of like that sentence, right?). If another person I'm having lunch with checks her phone while I'm in the middle of a sentence, I will slap that iPhone right outta her hand. As I walk around our beautiful campus, all I see is the top of people's heads as they stay glued to their phones--on the bus, on their bikes, in their cars, at restaurant booths, at work. I suffer from it too: if conversation drifts off, I have a hard time maintaining eye contact and urgently wishing I could walk away to avoid 5 seconds of awkwardness. The art of conversation is suffering badly--but that's a subject for another time.
---
I don't want to delete my Facebook or throw my phone in a river, but I see the need for some behavior modification. Technology is affecting us in a profoundly psychological way-- have you ever considered how it's affecting your own spirit?
1. Misunderstood Memes. For me, a real self-appraised Connoisseur of Analytical huMan PsychologY (C.A.M.P.Y.), a text message that reads "ya," "maybe idk wut im doing tonite," "mhm," or "haha" can send me into an absolute frenzy. Does the lack of punctuation insinuate anger and/or annoyance? Does the tepid "haha" sans emoticon actually imply the opposite of amusement? Did you spell the words incorrectly because you're lazy or bored or embarrassed that you didn't pass 2nd grade? And then, don't even get me started on my array of awkward text responses. 98% of the time my texts are meant to be funny, but I'm afraid that I may have overdone it when I quip, "Hey roly poly, if you're not home in 5 minutes I will chop you up and cook you in a stew" or "I had a dream last night that you gave me a hot dog that made me puke and I've been upset all day." ... "hehe," right?
2. Lolcat Lingo. I am ashamed to admit that I still, without thinking, exclaim "LOLZ!" to many, many things. Yes, out loud. Yes, with a z. It's so ingrained in my middle-school mind. It's faster to type "obvs," "totes," "perf," "idk," & "k," so why not speak that way too (hey look, I just saved 0.0000000000983 seconds!)?!
3. Festering Fakeness. Finally, after centuries of causing awkwardness, there's a way for passive-agressivity to become socially-acceptable? Enter Xanga. Oh yes, in high school I was an avid xanga-er, rapidly maturing two-fold by both posting weekly (daily) posts about my awesome, interesting, eclectic, inspiring, pedal-to-the-medal, tantalizing, adventurous (lame) lifestyle AND leaving sweet-faced comments like "OMG this post is the besssssst! I <3 you!" to girls that I truly hated. It's only gotten worse. Now, with my swanky Facebook timeline profile, I can include/exclude any "awesome, interesting, eclectic, etc" info about myself and people believe it. I can delete unflattering pictures, "like" things that I may or may not care about, and post really deep, spiritual links from unknown hipster Christian blogs or high-brow Wall Street Journal articles, implying that my own intelligence/spirituality is equally as deep.
Since we spend countless hours perusing and stalking people on Facebook, you want to tell me that that attitude doesn't seep into everyday interactions? Holla at me, girlfriend.
4. Failed Flirtaciousness. This needs little explanation, as the aforementioned points clearly indicate that my social encounters are quite awkwardly and sometimes negatively affected by my ravenous use of technology. You might say, "Well if your witty responses are so misunderstood via text, shouldn't you be a pro at face-to-face banter?" Oh, thank you for your faith in my seasoned, interactive skillz. Alas, quite the opposite. The tendency to over-analyze technological interactions has most certainly stained my in-person interactions. Try to picture the following scenario:
A young girl, early to mid-twenties, sits at her workplace desk, wilting under the florescent lights but secretly cheering her co-workers with her mindless humming and floral-patterned sun dress. Enter a young man, early to mid-god-lik--twenties, perfectly proportioned and amiably attired. Both countenances brighten at the sight of the other. They begin to converse.
Boy: "Can you make me a color copy of something?"
Girl: "Of course! I just want to let you know, however, that color copies are very expensive-- $1 per page." Her face falls.
The boy beams, revealing a set of naturally white teeth. "That's alright! This is an important document, so I'll pay whatever."
The girl begins the color copying process, which embarrassingly takes much longer than any color copy should take. She apologizes profusely. "I hope you're not in any hurry... the printer is still warming up."
"Just take your time," he says kindly.
The girl continues working on the color copy job. After a few minutes of silence, she decides to strike up a conversation.
Girl: "So what are your summer plans?"
Boy: "I'm interning in Tulsa this summer with an oil company."
Girl: "Cool! You'll really love it there. I grew up in Tulsa--it's a great place to spend your summer."
The two begin chatting about the lovely city, eagerly responding to the others' comments. The excitement is growing. After a solid 5 minutes, the boy nonchalantly muses, "So, maybe I'll see you in Tulsa this summer."
Suddenly, the most incredible phenomenon occurs. Up to this point, the birds have been tweeting and Aphrodite has stuffing her face with Russell Stovers.
In the flash of an eye, everything changes. The spirit of an orangutan inhabits the girl's voice box, and she blurts, "Yeah, maybe, but NOT BECAUSE I'M GOING BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL. I'M IN COLLEGE. HAHAHAHAHAH."
...In the corner, a small gnome cuts the thick air with a Cutco knife and chuckles to himself. He's the only one laughing, though. The boy and girl stare at each other, the boy pays for his color copy, the girl mumbles something incoherently, and the boy exits the office.
If you're wondering about the factual to facsimile ratio of that scenario, holla at me. I'll probably ignore you.
5. Un-diagnosed but Utterly Apparent A.D.D. When I'm surfin' the Web I usually have 5 or 6 tabs open at once. If I'm bored with Facebook after 25 seconds, I switch to Twitter, browse 50-60 tweets, yawn, check various news sites, click back to Facebook, randomly choose someone's profile and click through 400-500 pictures, WebMD the twinge I have under my right eye, open Amazon and add 5 things to my wish list, tweet about it, yawn... etc. You understand because I bet your Internet browsing looks very similar. Needless to say, my attention span has decreased ten fold since I got out of elementary school. Seriously kids. Even in high school I could sit and read for 8 hours, only breaking for the bathroom and a Quik Trip run. Now it's all I can do to stay on the same Internet tab for more than 15 minutes. That's just my personal time; socially, our generation's general diagnosis with social A.D.D. is infuriating (kind of like that sentence, right?). If another person I'm having lunch with checks her phone while I'm in the middle of a sentence, I will slap that iPhone right outta her hand. As I walk around our beautiful campus, all I see is the top of people's heads as they stay glued to their phones--on the bus, on their bikes, in their cars, at restaurant booths, at work. I suffer from it too: if conversation drifts off, I have a hard time maintaining eye contact and urgently wishing I could walk away to avoid 5 seconds of awkwardness. The art of conversation is suffering badly--but that's a subject for another time.
---
I don't want to delete my Facebook or throw my phone in a river, but I see the need for some behavior modification. Technology is affecting us in a profoundly psychological way-- have you ever considered how it's affecting your own spirit?
